Every now and again when I’m out socializing there will be this great group dynamic forming.
Then I hear myself say something ill advised, often some pointlessly negative sentiment, and I watch people slowly move away. As I reflect on how the night went after I realize that in fun social settings, people only want to hear fun and entertaining things. There’s plenty of time to get real, so to speak, once you’ve broken the ice and it’s invited.
When you just meet someone, they want to have a pleasant experience.
Outside of work, people aren’t trying to be serious and deal with stuff. They are often trying to have fun in social settings. The funner you can come off, the more sociable and personable you become.
I’m trying to learn how to not kill the vibe.
The people who make the best out of every moment attract strangers
When you are out and vibing, you kind of want to be around the high energy fun people.
If it’s a room full of people you don’t know, think about how to put yourself forward in the best possible light. What are the coolest parts of you? Then you gotta make sure you are smiling and reacting with interest to people.
For some of y’all this is a natural thing and I am truly envious of that.
For me it’s like this checklist of things I try and keep track of in an effort to better acclimate to the room. The onus of responsibility is on me to adapt, not for others to make it more comfortable for me. The people who figured it out did their grind embarrassing themselves in public until they learned how not to.
Sometimes my energy goes negative and I don’t catch it. The next thing you know I’m arguing about nothing and worse off, taking the side that makes me look like an unlikeable dick. Like arguing capitalism is better than communism to leftist college kids.
There is a time and place for it all.
If you can think of something to say that’s relevant, ask yourself if it’s argumentative first
Often I will pick some argument that goes against what everyone is saying.
I may think I’m right but it’s often a pointless thing. Like say I was hanging out at a bar with 8 people and they all hated bike paths and brought up bad arguments. I could correct them and have a boring ass night in the corner by myself being jilted by people who are like “Fuck this guy”.
Or I can shut up, just wait until it moves onto something I can be more positive towards and engage with that. So much of my socializing took place online that it feels like I treat real life conversation like a Facebook thread. What I can tell you is that arguing about nothing with people you meet is not the wave.
It doesn’t even feel good when you win.
This isn’t meant to tell you to be disingenuous. It’s about being aware of where you are and what the people who are there are looking for. When you don’t really know the people, take some time to ease into the intense friendship ending debate subject matter.
As you socialize, try not to argue.
Focus on what’s coming out of your mouth and keep it to stories and ways to add value to the conversation.
This really is a game of practice making perfect
The more you put yourself out there the easier it gets.
I find we all have triggers and behavioural patterns that via self-awareness we can learn to modify. Personally I try to use some Pavlovian tactics to classically condition myself out of habits I dislike. There are probably people who can confirm that I will sometimes chastise myself mid convo if I don’t like a particular phrase I said.
Especially if it’s an old school homophobic or misogynistic idea.
Now if you are in music, figuring this out will help you make money. It’s a lot easier to sell tickets to shows if people think you are fun and want to be around you. The less people like you on a personal level, the less likely they are to fuck with you in a professional capacity.
There’s that idea for corporate life that the people most likely to get promoted are the ones that play golf with the boss. The fact they are liked enough to play golf with them, means they are more likely to fill the positions that require people to be around the boss.
It may be shallow but it’s how life works.
If you want to be a social butterfly, or rather need to be one because you chose that life path, then it’s worth learning to curb your truth and keep it for your art.
Just ride the wave of life and enjoy.Live Long and Prosper Everyone
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