The last week and a half feel like a blur.
I’ve done my best to throw myself into Uber, which feels productive enough. Making money is useful because sadness doesn’t pay bills. Despite this effort to distract myself, my father is still dead and this Christmas everything felt darker than it has for years.
Given life is so finite you’d think I would have extra appreciation for the holiday cheer. But instead it’s another reminder the nostalgic memories of my youth are all that’s left. I don’t feel very social and being around even the small number of people I was on Christmas was rough.
Having paramedics pull up to check out my girlfriend’s mom during the opening of presents did not help. She’s currently waiting on brain surgery as I start this. It’s weird when death looms over the holidays.
Death is unfortunately a part of life.
One that makes me rethink so much.
Life is fleeting and stressing the small stuff is weak
When I think about the petty drama that has taken place over the last few years of my life it feels so moot.
I don’t really care about any of it. The people involved feel irrelevant and now that time has passed, life has moved on without real consequence. Sure I’m less involved with certain situations but I’m genuinely happier for it.
In the middle of it all things felt so intense and bleak. My beef with my father and others preoccupied so much of my attention. To a point I’ve done dumb stuff like pushing off work or even ignoring recreational activities to stay lost in my head.
Then you encounter something like the finality of death and start to question why any of it mattered. Instead of taking the time to prove my points with actions I’d prepare mental arguments ready to go to war with anyone.
Now I’m sitting here thinking about how to just be better.
Normal life feels so distant and irrelevant
Since my dad died, regular tasks and chores feel impossible to focus on.
I know at some point real life has to kick in but in the meantime I don’t want to do anything. This includes all the “fun” stuff I’m supposed to be doing to process. I lack any real desire for fun. I am totally down to kind of sit there aimlessly for an hour or two. Then shuffle into some chore or another.
Unfortunately Uber is pretty dead in between Christmas and New Years so I can’t easily distract myself with work. At some point I need to tap in with the food video sales world but that feels like such a chore.
I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone. Unless you are reaching out to me I’m definitely in ghost mode. Which is bad because I have music to put out and podcasts to plan.
Still everything feels so empty. Loss is not easy to deal with. I know one day it’ll pass but today is not that day.
In the meantime I’m left to wonder what really matters.
Death is coming and then it all ends
I always figured my dad would last a lot longer than he did.
Or at least I figured he’d end up in a hospital and there’d be some chance to say goodbye. We would do that last ditch effort to reconcile our differences.
Instead he passed suddenly. There will be no funeral. Outside of his immediate family he is on path to being forgotten. The curse of having few people in your older years. No one cares when you go.
All this arbitrary pressure I’ve put on myself feels so pointless now. Chances are I’m going to die and no one’s going to remember. They don’t listen to my music now, who’s really going to spin it when I’m gone.
So much of my life has been a narcissistic quest for greatness. Only I’m 37 and dependent on others for my success. It’s the holidays and I’m lost in my head trying to avoid reality.
Only nothing really nulls the pain. I’m just stuck feeling. It sucks.
Hope you are doing better.
Live Long and Prosper Everyone
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