I currently feel this mix of anger and sorrow I can’t explain.
It just came on suddenly. I’ve felt the more aggressive side of me taking over the last few days since I found out my father died. I feel very calm but also at a deeper level, a reckless feeling that appears to be affecting my choices. It reminds me of drunk decision making but I’m not drunk I’m just off-kilter.
In practical terms, very little changed in the last 2 days. I had no intentions of ever speaking to him again and was low key waiting for this to happen for a very long time. He wasn’t a big fan of taking care of his health in any meaningful way.
Still I spent half my life with him as this parental figure and while I’m not necessarily thinking about it a lot, my feelings are definitely doing their thing.
While there have been people who’ve died in my family, this is the first time it was someone I was “close to” even if we weren’t close no more.
I’ve never grieved for anything outside my control before.
Usually my super negative feelings are a result of my super dumbass dumbassing
Most of the time when there is some level of crisis in my life, there is a way to be accountable for what I’ve done.
Usually there is some loss of opportunity or relationship, but my actions did something. Becoming unemployed last year, I know exactly what my hand in that was. Any time there was trouble with the people who care for me, I did something clear and specific. I’m used to feeling bad and managing extreme emotions when I’m able to course correct. This is not the case.
My father passed away. I’m not too sure of the details but this happened suddenly. I think he knew this was coming based on some cryptic crap he said to me one time last year, but it wasn’t like he was hospitalized with a clear signal this was the end. I’ll probably save how I feel about that sidebar for another time because it’s not pleasant and I’m already in a fighting mood.
This time there’s literally nothing I could have done. Him dying isn’t something I caused. Even if I tried harder to be there more, his death was still an inevitability that came.
I feel that awful pain of loss, even though we barely spoke. The same pain that comes from breakups and job loss and all the other bad stuff. Only it’s jacked up to levels I’ve never experienced before and it’s literally just something that happens in life.
I can’t rely on accountability here to manage my emotions.
I can’t “Do better” next time.In fact I’m probably just going to go through it again even worse when my mom passes, which let’s hope isn’t for a long time.
All these bursts of irrational strong emotion just come out of nowhere
I feel like I’m a walking cliche right now, and it’s because sometimes that is what we are.
Granted this is new for me, it’s only been 3 days now, but already certain ideas resonate more. You’re just sitting there being regular and then boom this rage monster appears and some random Facebook comment has you ready to pull a knife on someone. Only you don’t really care about the Facebook comment and you’re really just feeling a way because one of your parents died.
I can think of at least one person who’s been testy with me where I think I get it now. I didn’t understand how death affects us. Thinking about our interactions over the last year I can see how he was navigating this type of thing too and he actually liked his parent that he lost, so without competing, his pain was probably way worse.
I deadass feel triggered by things I normally wouldn’t care about. The problem is now that we’re a few days in and this is getting worse. There’s no real end in sight for my brain reminding me that there will never be a reconciliation. That forever the last time I saw him he handed me a cheque, didn’t say a word, and walked away.
Out of courtesy for the rest of my relatives I’m leaving it light for now. But I am already songwriting and I will not leave it light in the music. I’m so grateful for the outlet of writing but I tried to Uber yesterday and got my ass two 1-stars, so clearly my judgement is off.
At 37 years old, the concept of grieving is not lost on me, I know I’m stuck with time passing and awful feelings.
The only thing I can do is feel the feelings until the feelings aren’t so feelingy
Thankfully I’m not at a place in life where escapism drives my behaviour.
I can picture a younger me really wilding out trying to forget. I know that after you cum and sober up, whatever you escaped is still going to be there. The idea of escaping is more poetic than anything real. I’ve put too much work into too many things to torch it all down indulging in foolery because it hurts. Even though my decision making is on some fuck it levels, this has turned to tamer indulgences like impulse Uber Eats.
I have this week off work, though I’m probably going to risk 1-stars driving Uber. I don’t really want to worry about a schedule but I also can’t afford to go too much without pay. It just sucks knowing that out of nowhere my brain is going to trigger some rage and sorrow just because.
This is the end of a 37 year saga in my life. There are a lot of chapters and stories. Some are good, a lot more are less good to be honest. I’ve had a range of feelings towards that man over my life and in spite of it all he did create me. I do exist and am mostly the weirdo I am due to his influence.
In a lot of ways I am my father’s son. More ways than I’d like to admit. Unfortunately that is how it often goes, we manage to absorb a bunch of habits from our parents that manifest whether we like it or not.
I’m going to remind me of him for the rest of my life. I can’t forget him. But I’ll also never be able to repair that relationship and it’s harsh knowing he died hating who I was.
Even if he said differently to others, he was very clear what he thought of me.
There’s nothing else we’ll ever say to each other, game over, we lose.
Live Long and Prosper Everyone - damn this hits different today
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