I Used To Win “Fights” Because I Felt Powerless

Over the last few years of my life I’ve achieved a level of confidence I’ve never achieved before.

I like myself, the person I’ve grown into. It took decades to figure out the mix and find a way to both be presentable and authentic to myself at the same time. Depending on who you ask, I’ve achieved that goal. 

Today I was watching a video from The Company Man showing a level of newfound awareness for the younger demographics that followed him.

As he was reflecting on his come up, focused on impressing those he admired, he had never considered the impact he was having on so many others. 

It got me thinking about my past and the impact I’ve had.

One time I spent over an hour at work work arguing with a rando on an AFI album review

We did the album review for the 2017 AFI project. 

Someone hated that I called them emo. Then they insulted me. I felt disrespected and proceeded to essay up in my response. Turns out they were willing to match my energy. The next thing I knew a lot of time had passed, all for a video that earned 170 views in literally 7 years.

During that era of my life I felt powerless. This was an opportunity to wax poetic somewhere people could have my back and prove me right. This never happened. 

Later on I learned how to respond humbly and convert people like that into fans.I spent a solid year or two trying to be right in the comments for the sake of my ego. 

In hindsight it was pretty stupid.

I felt powerless because I refused to listen to years of good advice

At a certain point it became clear that in my last employment, there was no real place for me.

The money to effort ratio had made me comfortable. Instead of listening to countless people telling me to leave and grow, I stayed and still grew. No matter what anyone says, I learned things far beyond my pay grade by staying so long.

The problem was I lost my passion along the way. I was an unhappy person that behaved more like a succubus than someone who deserved more. I used to be a star but instead had become Icarus. 

There’s no one to blame but myself. I stayed somewhere I wasn’t welcome and became sad I wasn’t loved. I was mad that I couldn’t change other people’s culture. 

The truth is I should have dipped years ago and I would have been way less depressed at 30 years old.

Instead of empowering myself with skills I blamed everyone else

As I sit here in life now writing this, with the wisdom of hindsight, I realize how many moments in life I argued needlessly over low self esteem.

Most of the time, shit is not a big deal. Most people don’t care about trivial nonsense. They do care about the person who acted obnoxiously around them for the sake of ego. 

There are people I can’t remember today that can’t stand me. With good reason. The thing is I cannot even remember who they are or what thing I said that was the final straw.

I don’t say this because I feel bad, I don’t. We all have to scrape our knees along the way and socially it took a lot of broken bones for me to figure it out. And I did. 

The key thing is to remember to be accountable for yourself. If you are not happy, only you can change. Picture Smokey the Bear level of accountability.

Live Long and Prosper Everyone