I haven’t published in days because I got hit with a money making opportunity that taxed my time.
In the time I didn’t publish I did write two articles. One was short and pointless so I opted not to publish it. The other was written from a petty place and served more as a vessel for me to vent feelings publicly than actually solve an issue. Half of it is useable, the other half has regrettable sentiment.
Secretly it was nice to get a break from daily writing. This time of year is the time change and my birthday. I find I get very intense emotions, sleep less and develop anxiety over nothing.
LIke right now I feel physiological reactions like my heart rate increased and that intense feeling of emotional panic. It makes no sense. I’m fiscally good, I have projects to keep me busy and most importantly I have a lot of love in my life.
Maybe it’s Trump winning the election?
Naw this happens every year and I really don’t like it, I’m just more aware of it so I can navigate it better.
I feel very aggressive and confrontational
I don’t have the same level of patience that I normally exhibit when my discipline is on high.
Often I blame the time change. Maybe it’s the lack of sunlight and erratic weather. Maybe I just live in a way where every year around this time the stress and grind of the last 10 months catch up to me and I start to crash.
What’s changed in me is the acknowledgement this is my problem to deal with. I know that every year around the end of October my emotions go batshit crazy on me. I get self destructive and have to battle myself for a while to make sure I don’t go do some tomfoolery.
Then inevitably things start to balance out again as the winter starts and things regulate. The transition from the summer to the winter gets shorter and harsher each year. I can’t fully diagnose why I’m wired like this but I need to be aware of it.
I’m still likely to burn a few bridges over my attitude but for the most part I can stop the passive aggressive petty stuff and be the adult I need to be.
It is never fun to be an adult.
Personal circumstance isn’t really anyone else's problem
Given I work in service and arguably hospitality with music and entertainment, my bad day will only make your day worse if I let it.
We all have our own problems and stresses and other things. I live a very privileged life, but I’m also a workaholic who pushes myself beyond what I should. I’m cognizant I may die early over these choices and pursue it anyway in some deathly race against the clock of potential success.
My priorities and life choices have their effect on me. If I’m in a bad mood because of them, I need to check that before going too hard pushing people away. Empathy is a powerful vehicle to get your point across, even if it’s difficult.
That being said I may spend the next few weeks ready to argue with anyone over anything. The problem is that I don’t have my normal awareness in place and I can say some really mean, and consequential shit. Not like real consequences, but the kind of thing that makes people not like me anymore.
As time goes on it just gets easier to live with that fact. My choices will turn people away from me. Those same choices will attract new folk.
Life’s a whole carousel of collaborators.
If you feel like me keep your head up and do the best you can
It’s important to remain accountable to how your actions affect other people.
Sometimes it’s better to not engage than to get out there and say things. Personally I struggle with keeping my mouth shut. End of the day it’s sometimes better to let people believe what they want about you.
If you make mistakes and slipup over the more intense periods for you, it’s okay. People at large are pretty forgiving of people who show growth over time. Part of growing is stumbling and doing some painful stuff.
In the past when I felt this way I’d really dig me some holes and end relationships unnecessarily. I’m sure the things I’ll post and my interactions with people in real life will result in a lot of people not liking my energy over the next few weeks. I also know I can keep it cool enough that it won’t be any kind of drama like it used to be.
Maybe a few more people unfriend me and unfollow me. I imagine a lot of that is about to go around over the next few weeks. Trump winning is going to possibly create some divisive energy across multiple countries.
Now if I am destined to go through this every year, at least I can know it’s coming. Each year it gets easier and I make better choices than the last. Progress be what it is.
I felt weird today and couldn’t think of anything else to write about as I get back into the grind of daily publishing.Live Long and Prosper Everyone
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